Literate Smut and Dirty Pictures

For real, the only time I’ve ever been in a bathtub like that, it was at, and I quote: “The Freaky Freezer Dude’s House.”

Seriously.

Dude had a whole room full of deep freezers that he kept padlocked.

We decided it was Y2K storage.

Later, in 2002 or so, he burned the entire place to the ground.

I never said I was smart.

I swear, every time I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, Freaky Freezer Dude would magically appear in the hallway in sad, thin boxer shorts.

At the Freaky Freezer Dude’s house, spiders used to fall out of the ceiling on me while I listened to French house music and avoided the deranged cannibal landlord (who had opened bottles of Maker’s Mark FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Seriously. All over the place. It was crazy. And, he used to bring these sad women over, so as to ply them with Maker’s Mark. Jesus.)

Despite the spiders, I would sit and people-watch the whorehouse across the street.

It’s really was less cracked-out than it sounds.

…Kind of.

One day I did totally see a guy that had obviously been fishing in the downtown sewer ditches make his way back home with no catch.  And, there was this endless battle over stolen shopping carts between men that squatted in the old Victorians.

That area is totally gentrified now.  At the time it was about 4 blocks from my regular club, and 2 blocks from where the luxury lofts had just been developed.

Stories like this are why I salute the delay of the adoption of smartphones (PDA’s as they were called back in the day in the East Asian market) in the states.

It’s one thing to tell the story.

It’s another to have photographic evidence.