Joan 1:12 pm: as long as it’s not rick santorum related

Him 1:12 pm: ok. scratch that then. nevermind.
Him 1:15 pm: I was going to have you masturbate with rick santorum.

Joan 1:15 pm: damn

Him 1:15 pm: Guess that’s out then, huh?

Joan 1:15 pm: it would be the female equivalent of pushing rope

Him 1:16 pm: I want you to masturbate with the favored glass dildo. Then, I want you on your knees in my office ready for my cock within 15 minutes of me getting home.

Joan 1:17 pm: one of the dildos is flavored?
Joan 1:17 pm: ew. toxic.
Joan 1:17 pm: oh wait
Joan 1:17 pm: favored

Him 1:17 pm: …

Joan: um. okay.

Linda: i know you are sitting there thinking “she is so fucking WEIRD”

Joan: actually, i am reading about ginormous schlong. you interrupted.

Linda: seriously? LINK.

Joan: YES. Seriously. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-falcon-largest-penis-frisked-by-tsa_n_1675767.html

Linda: omg. you one upped me! i want to fuck him just to know what it would be like. Penis Mount Everest

Joan: i would be afraid of that peen

Linda: really? i’d just lube it up and go!

Joan: cervical bruising

Linda: oh. yeah, that might be a problem. my ex husband was 9″ erect, and it was too much. i like a normal sized penis really in all honestly, but i just would want to say I fucked the largest penis on record

Joan: yeah, i suppose there are bragging rights.

Linda: although, who could i really tell? LOL!

Joan: biggest dude i was ever with? it was too big. i almost felt bad for him.

Linda: i was with a guy like that too. he was honestly. HONESTLY. 11″ I measured. it was ridiculous.

Joan: yeah, i’m all… how do you not pass out? there was a dude we used to know. ex dh’s former roommate. the rumor was that he had gigantor dick. he was in a porn that some other dudes we knew had seen, wearing a long, blonde wig. it was second-hand confirmed dick

Linda: *snort*

Joan: and my sister and my gay roommate are all, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US WE WILL SEE THIS PEEN.

Linda: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joan: like, they had their bases covered. The pact was in place.

Linda: i am dying over here

Joan: and so, eventually, with the right party situation, my sister succeeds in getting him naked and erect. and this is like 5 am

Linda: omg

Joan: Then she comes downstairs at the crack of dawn, half-dressed, yelling up the stairs, YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR ME WITH THAT THING!

Linda: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Joan: she tells the gay roommate, I HAVE SEEN THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN, BEAVIS. and then we had to leave.

Priapus

13:27 joan @ dude.
13:27 joan @ if i wrote gay porn, it would be… NOT THAT
13:28 joan @ it would be all, RAWR MANLY
13:28 joan @ and then there would be MANLY DUDES WITH MASSIVE PEENS
13:28 joan @ BEING MEN.
13:28 xanth @ you would write bear porn
13:28 xanth @ I know it
13:28 joan @ no
13:28 joan @ not bear porn
13:28 xanth @ aw
13:28 joan @ that’s always bear/cub. i need no cubs.
13:29 joan @ that wouldn’t be MAN PEEN WITH MAN PEEN. BEING MANLY.  It’d be like, two adorable dudes in love. Sharing a moment.
13:29 DartV @ gay angel porn with wings?
13:29 joan @ i want like, two grizzled pissed off bikers, roving the apocalyptic wasteland with giant guns and giant biceps and terrifying mustaches and grenades and flamethrowers
13:29 joan @ with the biggest dicks in the universe
13:29 joan @ frightening local wildlife
13:29 joan @ with their EXTREME MANLINESS.  THE KIND OF MANLINESS THAT ONLY ANOTHER MAN CAN HANDLE.
13:29 xanth @ yes
13:29 xanth @ YES
13:29 joan @ (and this is why i don’t write gay porn.)
13:30 xanth @ the industry is worse off for the loss
13:30 joan @ i don’t know. i think they probably lucked out.