Not that the sex I would’ve had, if I’d been having sex, would’ve been anything like the sex that was going on at the Kink castle. The Kink actors were more like athletes, or stuntmen and -women performing punishing feats, and part of what fascinated me was the ease with which they went in and out of it, the comfort with which they inhabited their bodies, their total self-assurance and sense of unity against those who condemned their practice.

That line, “The Kink actors were more like athletes,” sticks with me.

When I think of the phrase, “sport fucking,” it’s about… hunting. Douchebags at The Club, collecting trophies. That sort of thing.

There’s not a lot of language available for the sort of sex that’s about endurance, physical limits, or feats of strength. By it’s nature, it’s self-centered sex. What can I do? What can I take? How far can I go?

From the article:

“We’re told our entire lives how fragile and delicate our bodies are,” she said. She adopted a tone of mock concern. “‘Don’t go out late at night, someone might mug you.’ ‘You’ve got to be careful, bad things will happen to you.’ And there’s a certain liberation in challenging your body, and getting beaten or distressed in some way and realizing you’re actually tougher than you realized.”

She looked over at Katherine, who had finished her pedicure and had her toes out in front of her. “Know what I mean?”

“Exactly,” Katherine responded.

“It is a very empowering experience to realize you’re not as fragile as you’ve been told your whole life,” said Rain.

When I was writing the first draft of Katie-bug (way back during NaNoWriMo in 2011) I mentioned I was writing a “gangbang” story on tumblr.

And, though I’d expect to get a few lewd comments from the peanut gallery, what I actually collected were a bunch of private messages along the lines of “Omg, why? I don’t get it.”

Ultimately, the answer is, “Because, I thought it’d be hot.”

I thought it’d be hot largely because Public Disgrace is one of those series that does it for me.

San Francisco’s sexual vanguard might overuse words like “consciousness” and “mindfulness,” but the success of their politicization of sex had repercussions that reached across the country. The mind-set could sometimes seem grim, or at least all that talking kind of dampened the feeling of spontaneity. But they meant it: “Polyamory is a decolonizing force,” one person explained to me. “If you want to transform society, it includes our intimate relations.”

I’ll tell you what a gangbang isn’t about: It’s not about making a special connection meeting the emotional needs of a special individual who’s plucked your singular lady flower, because you’re just so perfect and delicate and conventionally attractive (but not intimidatingly so, am I right?)

And, it’s not about the Magnificent and Almighty Penis. Yes, there’s a lot of penis, sure.

But it’s all sort of inadequate penis.

Because, if you’re a girl that likes the idea of access to multiple cocks, then the implication is that one is not enough. You’re hearkening back to the theoretical insatiable cave lady, and she’s scary as hell. Entire systems of law and lineage have been developed to keep that bitch under lock and key.

That intimidation aspect is a thrill for some guys–”The whore can’t get enough.” I guess it’s a way of proving that women aren’t all prudes that will shoot them down?  I don’t know. But I suspect that the idea of not shouldering the entire lady-sating burden may even be a relief to some men.

But not all men.

NLikes posted about gangbangs a few days ago:

It’s not a struggle for me to understand how or why a woman would like a gangbang, whether in fantasy or reality. But it is almost the polar opposite of the way my desire works: I want, I need, to believe that I’m at the absolute center of a woman’s sexual universe, that pleasing me is the most important thing in the world, that I’m the most desirable man in the world (at least, for that particular moment). I’m capable of functioning fine in a relationship which features periodic or frequent reminders that this is a fantasy, but I’m not capable of functioning sexually in a moment in which I don’t feel that.

What’s more, I find the quantum of desire (or willingness) of a woman participating in a gangbang to be more than a little terrifying. Like rather than the danger being of my destroying her, it might go the other way.

I assume that every woman out that has had at least one sexual encounter where there just wasn’t enough stimulation.

Where the motor on the erection boat just puttered right out.

Where she had to reflect sadly on the fact that the flesh was weak and squishy.

I also assume that every man knows it.

There’s a lot of reasons a person might be pretty heavily invested in implying that there’s something wrong with a woman that’s not content with just one cock.

The general consensus appears to be that gangbangs are a disgusting man thing.

Witt to Penny Pax:

“Slightly incredulous, I asked if there were moments then of genuine pleasure. She looked at me like I was crazy. “Yeah. Like the whole thing! The whole thing.”

They may have a point.

I was on Twitter recently, talking about deciphering arcane porn formulas. (I’m on Twitter quite a bit. If you like the blog, you could follow me. Hint, hint.)

So, I hereby impart my vast, slightly embarrassing porn knowledge unto you.

You’re welcome.

Three People Getting it On

So, you wanna see three people get naked.

If you’re looking for male-female-female, you want a Threesome. All threesomes, in Pornlandia, involve a guy with two women.

2 ladies + 1 dude = Threesome

If you want male-male-female, but you want it to be decidedly hetero in tone and male in gaze, the tag is always DP. In Double Penetration porn, all ball-touching is incidental. Balls may only touch in feminine perineum-zones, for mere moments at a time.

(2 dudes + 1 lady) + incidental ball touching = DP

If you want male-male-female, but you don’t mind if everyone participates then, oddly enough, you’re looking for Bisexual threesomes. In Pornlandia, an explicit declaration of “bisexuality” always, always has to to with man-on-man action. In Pornlandia, all the women are inherently bi, and female bisexuality literally goes without saying. Bisexual threesome pornos, are nearly always actual gay porn. The woman is there is make it just Not Gay Enough for closeted dudes to feel safe watching actual gay porn. 80% of the time, the dude visibly loses his boner when he gets too touchy feely with the nude and present Vaginated Totem of No Homo.

(2 dudes + 1 lady) + sense of weird shame and floppy dong when a girl touches you = “Bisexual Porn”

Female-female-female is usually just designated Lesbian porn, unless it’s three women with an audience–then it usually ends up “orgy” porn.  Tamest orgy ever.

Male-male-male is just gay porn. I’m not actually sure I’ve ever seen specifically “three-way” gay porn, but I imagine it’s out there?

Oddly enough, in written commercial erotica, all groupings of three are Menage.

Any grouping that include a transperson generally gets tossed into the (offensively termed) Tranny and Shemale tags.

More than Three People Getting it On

First, terminology:

Orgies and “Swingers parties” are 3+ affairs with Limited Incidental Ball-touching. In real life, swingers are generally pretty anti-ball-touching as a subculture. Seriously. They do not appreciate roving penis. You heard it here–the swinging subculture is oddly prudish and totally heterocentric.

Unsurprisingly, orgy porn that permits ball-touching gets labeled bisexual. I know you’re really surprised. Bisexual orgy porn is fairly rare, even out of places like Germany. I think I’ve only ever seen European versions.

The real question is, what’s the orgy threshold? Where is it that we move from “group sex” to “orgy?” And, regardless of head count, the gender composition actually throws two other terms into the mix.

To begin with, there’s the Gangbang concept. Gangbangs occasionally include two women. Once you hit three vaginas, you’ve moved into “sex party” territory.

1 woman + (3 men or more) = gangbang = 2 woman + (5 men or more)

And, then there’s a newish genre where it’s sort of an inverse gangbang, called Clothed Female Nude Male, usually shortened to CFNM.

1 man + (2 women or more) = cfnm = 2 men + (3 women or more)

Group sex is usually for mixed gender groups of 4 to 7, without an acknowledged audience. Add an audience, and it’s suddenly an orgy.

A lot of American orgy porn is filmed in a party format–you can often see who’s got penetration permission based on who’s got the right color of wristband. German orgy porn is often labled “party” porn. Czech orgy porn is often “swinger” porn. Italians just use orgy–Rome and all, right? And, Brazilian orgy porn should just be avoided, so a dreadful sense of sadness and foreboding doesn’t overwhelm your sense of arousal. Same with Japan.

Also, so far as I know?  There’s no real life DVDA.  I’ve looked.

This one is directed by an Italian, Luca Damiano, who also did something called Hamlet: For the Love of Ophelia which I’m now dying to see, because who doesn’t want suicidal teenagers and Oedipal complexes in their mid-90′s porn?

Once upon a time…

So, you know, it starts out the way the fairy tale usually does. You’ve got your evil queen, magic mirror, and badly translated subtitles:

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the loveliest cunt of all?

The mirror gives Evil Queen the rundown.

Snow White:

I JUST FIGURED OUT I HAVE A VAGINA! WOW! THIS IS TOTALLY CONVENIENT!

Is the fairest in all the land.

No one gives bitchface like an evil queen.

Mirror, please.

So, the Queen decides that she needs an orgy to clear her head.

The Stallions. Seriously. It’s crappy capture, but for real, “Bring the stallions in!” That’s how evil this Queen is.

Eventually, they all come on her face. That’s how she maintains her beauty.

Yup. It’s gonna be like that. 

She comes up with the plan to cut out Snow White’s heart, yadda yadda.

And, while that is all going on, we are introduced to Prince Bones-a-lot, who needs to find his Vulva Fair, so as to inherit the kingdom. His father forces the issue:

Honestly, the cousin-fucking scene goes on forEVER.

The wimpy hunstman can’t kill Snow White, so he leaves her in the forest.

Then, well… you can guess how this goes, right?

Because, I promise, it’s so much worse than your guess.

Breaking and entering: you do the crime, you pay the time.

Snow White, having recently discovered her ladycave, asks if she can stay:

She spends most of the movie alternating between this expression and smiling like a moron.

The dwarves, who all comment on their raging hard-ons, tell her she can stay.

Oh, they’ll think of something, right?

Meanwhile,the huntsman lies to the Queen with the fake heart, and she grants him access to her lesbians-in-waiting:

Guess what his reward is! If you guessed *stallions!* you’re almost correct.

The dwarves, um… undertake the education of Snow White, in what really is one of the most odd porn sequences ever. Like, imagine all this happening to the tune of a jaunty piccolo and accordion piece.

Where in Italy did they find seven little people willing to do this shit?

APPLAUSE!

GUESS WHERE THAT ENDS UP!

APPLAUSE!

He’s a Gentlman Dwarf.

Clarinet. Piccolo. Whatever.  After seven full dwarf lessons, your general will to pay close attention starts to wane.

APPLAUSE!

In the big middle of the huntsman’s “reward,” the Queen finds out he’s a lying liar who lies:

DO NOT FUCK WITH THE QUEEN.

It has an actual intermission.

For real.

This is cousin-fucker dwarf porn that takes itself quite seriously.

So.

The Queen poisons the apple:

And Prince Bones-a-lot ditches his cousin:

And the dwarf cottage has descended into full-bore cocaine-fueled Jackie Treehorn madness:

“…what the whole hep world would be doing on Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war…”

Prince Bones-a-lot finds another Vulva Fair:

He’s easily confused, poor dear.

The Dwarvian Bacchanalia continues:

And, continues:

And, continues…

Until eventually they have to go to work, and the Queen feeds Snow White the apple:

CHARMING, RIGHT?

So, the dwarves are sad:

Yes.

Indeed.

May it.

But!

Prince Bones-a-lot arrives to save the day:

And, being Prince Bones-a-lot, he immediately commences to boning.

For an audience of dwarves. Encouraging dwarves.

This is the stuff of nightmares. Really.

And, of course… they live happily ever after.

They never really deal with the Queen.

I can only assume she went back to her castle for more bukkake beauty regimens.

There’s still Cousin Bones-a-lot back at the castle.

There are a lot of loose ends, here.

Which is probably why there’s a sequel made in 1999 called Snow White… Ten Years later.

I’m so not kidding.

APPLAUSE!

For the first time, a massive data set of 10,000 porn stars has been extracted from the world’s largest database of adult films and performers. I’ve spent the last six months analyzing it to discover the truth about what the average performer looks like, what they do on film, and how their role has evolved over the last forty years.

This blog post is amazing.

John Millard scraped data at the Internet Adult Film Database, finding out all sorts of crazy statistical information.

My favorites:

• Only 62% of female porn stars “do anal.”
• The average age of a MILF in porn is thirty-three.
• Popular male porn stars are known as Top Woodsman.  Top. Freaking. Woodsman. That will never not be funny for me.
• Mixing the appearances of ten of the most popular women in porn produces this face:

And her name would be Nikki Lee.

He’s got some fun infographics made, and you can request a full pdf of the report, if you’re so inclined.

Lots of jokes about plumbers, pizza delivery, and pool boys.

Really, for me, the best thing about porn lessons is the cross-cultural opportunities.

Ten things you can learn through the wonder of international porn titles:

1. Italians dig on group sex, and that group always includes a “mature” woman who acts as a sort of fluffer/doting mother figure. The first time I encountered this, I was all, “Okay, that’s a little weird.”  Then I realized it was actually a thing. It’s like every orgy porn set over there has it’s own Italian grandma around to serve her special lasagna.
2. Brazilian pool parties are the saddest pool parties ever. Whereas Americans have largely perfected the Forced Happy MTV Poolside face, Brazilians wiggle limply in confusion, wondering why they aren’t doing this at the beach.
3. Swedes like farms. There’s just nothing about narrative porn that comes outs of Sweden that cannot be forced, through strange and mysterious mechanisms, into a barn or field. There appears to be some sort of weird Hee-Haw vibe to it all that doesn’t quite translate, too.  Like Swedish yokels are sex-starved and it’s inherently hilarious.
4. Japanese people love their sex toys. Seriously. I know that of all the things one could notice about Japanese porn (tentacles, hentai, bukkake, speculums, anyone in a panda suit) this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it’s strange.  The men will show you  all their little dangling vibrators, like a day-glo flock of buzzing birds, while grunting and moaning in approval.
5. The Germans aren’t as weird as you think they are.
6. French porn occasionally blind sides you with necrophilia just because it can.  Seriously. This has happened to me more than once. For some reason, there are lots of French pornos shot in the chateaus of the recently deceased.  I guess “the horny widows” is one of their tropes.
7. Adorable young Czechs can be plied with Red Bull, Marlboros, free liquor and 200 dollars USD, providing they’re in a clean, well-lit environment with ample lockers.
8. Despite the fact that Russia is notoriously cold, they really appear to enjoy being naked in the great outdoors. It’s some sort of outdoorsy point of national pride.
9. All filmed sex acts in Spain somehow involve Nacho Vidal.  I am pretty sure he has to personally approve all shots, by law. This is weird, because Nacho was first male porn star I ever really liked and looked out for. This was way back when you bought porn on tape and DVD, because internet porn clips were all 22 seconds long.  (He was in a Shane’s World, back when she was still hosting. That’s how long ago. Before he was creepy. ‘Cause he’s seriously creepy these days.)
10. Brits are really into being dominated by female bosses in stockings. If there are no bosses or stockings to be found, then they’re probably at a house party where the music sucks.

The truth behind the cameras.

]]> https://joandefers.com/2012/07/pornhastaughtme/feed/ 0 https://joandefers.com/2012/05/the-blair-smut-project/ https://joandefers.com/2012/05/the-blair-smut-project/#comments Fri, 04 May 2012 01:39:13 +0000 https://joandefers.com/?p=567

This is a preview for a real movie feature film about how a box of porn attempts to destroy a family.

No, I’m not kidding.  If I had to guess, these people are Mormon.

Also, why on earth would it actually be in a box?  What is this, 1993?

The comments at YouTube are, um, less than 100% supportive.

If you like straight porn, and you like The Big Lebowski, then this is totally recommended.  It was funny.  Like, funny for real.  And, the sex scenes were alright, on the whole.  You sit there wondering how and why it was never done before.  I mean… honestly, Lebowski really was just begging to be parodied.  It has a porn director as a character.  And, porn actors.  And, Maude with her “good and thorough.”  You’d really have to try to mess that one up, and luckily they don’t.  Plus, James Deen as “The Jesus.”  In a purple jumpsuit.  LICKING a bowling ball.

How can that ever be wrong?

Also, somewhere out there, I have to imagine Philip Seymour Hoffman, vry srs actor extraordinaire, has to be amused by being played by Evan Stone.  Awesome.

That reminds me. I need to make an appointment to get new glasses.

(The pic apparently comes from this.)

Daddy likes porn.  Therefore, we watch it.  I could usually take it or leave it.  Porn night, generally Friday night, is sometimes a real bust.  Last week was one of those bust weeks.

So. Darned. Boring.  There are maybe, maybe five companies that make anything that interests me consistently.  The rest of it is usually a lot of skinny people doing a lot of phoning it in.

So, for complaining, and I guess because it amused him, I am in charge of seeking out this week’s, er, selections.

You want to know what the world *really* jerks it to?  Go on a porn hunt.  Dudes are more into shemales than they want you to know, I swear.  And, of course, teenagers.  And, golden showers.  And, cuckolding.  And, racist stuff.  And, I’m not talking the one-off.  I mean, there’s LOTS of them.

That will teach me to complain.