I’ve been gone for a month.

It’s best to come back with a bang.

Yes, that’s a pun.

I’ve been promising to do the Panda Gang Bang for a while.

Today is the day.

This stars Ashli Orion. And, James Deen in a Panda Suit. If you can recognize Deen by the Peen alone, I salute you. It’s the lowest rated offering over at Bound Gang Bangs, last time I looked, and it made quite the splash last year.

Choice comments from the peanut gallery:

“I didn’t find out I was doing the panda porn until I got to Kink that morning. I got off the plane and I saw Princess Donna and she was like “guess what, we’re going to do a panda porn!” and I was like are you serious? Oh my gosh. Because it was Gang Bang, so I was like pandas? This is gonna be great.” Full interview can be found here.

Seriously, that is a hell of a thing to spring on a person. “By the way, later? We are totes doing furry porn. Neat right?”

Trust me. This is the final frontier.

“Yay?”

The real question here, is why pandas?

No one ever calls this thing anything but ‘The Panda Gang Bang.”

Our premise: Ashli passes out watching a nature program about panda mating. Like you do.

Ashli starts to see pandas every where.

At the bank.

“But pandas are supposed to be niiiiice?!”

At school.

“Fuck your book!”

She goes home and decides to get some rest, but the pandas follow her…

Don’t you hate it when sexually aggressive pandas sneak up on you as you’re brushing your teeth?

She goes to bed.

“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Panda Shadow knows!”

And, then things get worse.

Oh, now she’s fucked.

I would like to remind everyone, that this a porn.

Really.

Thanks to the internet I know that someone, somewhere out there, actually jerks it to this image.

This is gang bang porn.

So… well… things are about to get a little graphic.

THE PANDAS ATTACK!

We descend.

This is where one starts to doubt their commitment to Sparkle*Motion.

Despite their panda-ness, they have man hands.

Because this is still a porn, the pandas quickly convince Ashli that, hell yes, it’s panda gang bang time.

Because mysterious porn reasons.

The proceed to the the usual gang-bangish shenanigans…

The mind wanders at times likes these. I mean, really? Why pandas? Is it because they are so notoriously low libido? Is this porn irony? Am I to make reference to Chuck Palahniuk at this point?

Yup.

Yup.

I’m going to do it.

“Pounding that kid, I really wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every endangered panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species and every whale or dolphin that gave up and ran itself aground.”

Panda porn, people.

Really.

QUICK, WHICH ONE IS DEEN?! I’m guessing Mr. 1 o’Clock.

This shit goes on for about half an hour.

I start to wonder about things like the history of shapeshifting motifs in world mythology.

If you hold James Deen fast and fear him not, does he turn into bear?

They switch up panda positions!

Someone is losing his panda head there on the left.

You wouldn’t want your panda gang bang to get stale and repetitive, right?

Feats of strength! It must be Festivus!

The try to feed her palm fronds, because, I suppose, there isn’t any real bamboo to be had in the entire city of San Francisco.

It’s strange to me that I really consider this the moment of “commitment to craft.” I don’t know why I am more impressed with the consumption of artificial greenery, compared to the willingness to bang a herd of costumed pandas.

Being a gang bang, it ends as all gang bangs do…

How most people feel after a long ride on the Panda Express.

Then she and the pandas all take a nap, to tinkling lullaby music in a creepy minor key.

Rejected Sanrio characters.

Then comes the usual Kink.com post-interview, where Princess Donna asks, “What was the hardest part of being in a panda gang bang?”

I’ll give you a guess…

Who needs to twerk when you can Ride the Panda Head?

Yeah.

Stop! Panda time. It turns out that James Deen is the shortest panda.

Pandamonium is available at Kink.com, if you haven’t had enough panda action for one life time just from these pics.

Ya weirdo.

I wish.

I know I’ve been neglecting the blog.

I hit 20k on my full length novel tonight. (Deenie is the first chapter.)

I’ll be back. I’ve found some wild weird porn. Oh, December.

Playing House, Good Girls #3

Playing House is officially available on Amazon!

What was the working title of this book?

Rosalie and Daddy-O.  Titles are not exactly my strong suit.

Where did the idea for this book come from?

There’s a Fetlife group called “1950′s Lifestyle.” I just wanted to play with the idea.

What genre does your book fall under?

BDSM erotica. This one has quite a bit of “equipment and rules” BDSM.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

A ridiculously adorable couple discovers the economics of power exchange.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I can’t help but envision this book taking place in my first apartment. It was a duplex, actually–a divided house that was built in the 1920s.  I actually got an anonymous, type-written note in the mail, warning me that the alcoholic biker next door was a Peeping Tom. We kept an eye out for holes in the wall.

For real!

I still have the note!

So, yeah. New story! Click here!

There are a ton of absolute novices asking questions.

With the tiniest bit of experience, I’ve got some advice:

1. The actual sex part of the sex scenes will not take up nearly as much space as you think it will, unless you start adding crazy stuff. You’re going to need more people, props, and limbs.  You’re going to need more scenes. Just bank on it.  When in doubt? Add a sex scene. This is how people end up writing dinosaur porn. Or, in my case, threesomes and sex parties.
2. In that vein, if you’re writing erotica (and not erotic romance) add a subplot with two different characters altogether. Write scenes with just minor characters. Write about an entire group of people. It works for Tiffany Reisz. It works for Laura Antoniou. It can work for you. This is part of why so many erotic romances are actually erotic suspense books–it needs some subplot.
3. Use all five senses, and check in with three or four others for good measure.  Sure, there’s Tab A and Slot B, but there’s also hot and cold, grounded and dizzy, the discomfort or excitement of the invasion of personal space (this is called “proprioception,”) and, of course, the fuzzy line between pain and pleasure.
4. If you’re planning on m/m or f/f for the first time, know this ahead of time: you’re going to have pronoun confusion. Lots and lots and lots of it.
5. Get used to hearing people say you’re writing porn, and get over being offended that someone might think you’re writing porn.
   
6. Don’t worry about writing “too much” sex. Do you think that horror writers are all, “I just think this vampire novel is too fangy.” Do you think military thriller guys sit around worrying that their characters are just being way too bad ass with all the blowing shit up and shooting bad guys? Fucking, no. Write the sex. Write it loud and proud. Add more.
7. That being said, if you write in public, always make sure your laptop is facing the wall.  The last think you want is Uncle Creeper sneaking up behind you, then giving you the eyebrow waggling nod.  That’ll kill your creativity.
8. There are only so many words for body parts. It’s NaNoWriMo. Go ahead and use the worst euphemisms. It’ll be hilarious later.
9. You can’t come up with anything so weird that the internet hasn’t already outdone you ten times over. There’s Darkwing Duck erotic fanfic.  There’s adult baby forums.  There’s talking pants porn. You’re probably not going to out-weird the talking pants porn. So don’t sweat it. Let your freak flag fly.
10. You’re going to be sick of sex at some point. Just completely grossed out by the whole idea of it. You will recover.

Good luck, NaNos!

“Try to shut us up by throwing us some scrote.”

Heh.

Today, we’re diving into 800 Fantasy Lane.  It’s written and directed by Svetlana Mishoff, and it’s the first porn Lisa De Leeuw (the secretary in The Blonde Next Door) was ever in.

So. Yeah. Written and directed by a woman.

Check out these gas prices.

These two knuckleheads, the lowly gas station attendants, have only one true desire in the world: to take a vacation together.

But they’re broke.

They devise a scheme:

I’m surprised they read the paper, to be honest.  Maybe literacy standards really have declined.

They read about a hot new real estate agency that hires beautiful, busty wannabe starlets to sell luxury homes over long, leisurely ogling retreats.

They immediately make a phone call.

“Hello. Busty Wannabe Starlet Realty, this is Broker Blondie, how may I help you?”

Mustachio up there tells the eager young agent that he’s an oil baron on the hunt for a 9 or 10 bedroom mansion.

The trap is set!

“This is the greatest thing that we have ever done, Beavis.”

So, they put on their fancy polyester travelling suits and get on a jet plane, then they are whisked away to Sexytimes Mansion.

Real estate is obviously very taxing.

It’s immediately clear that this is where very important businesswomen are doing very important business.

Just take a look at these papers!

So, the story is that all the real estate agents/breast display units live in a 36 room monstrosity of a house while they try to sell it.

Seems legit.

Lilac Leisure Suit Guy just can’t stand it anymore.  He humps an architectural column, because that’s not weirdly phallic at all (I’ve seen a lot of porn, and this is the first time I’ve encountered column humping, so, bravo, Svetlana.) Then he yanks out his junk to jerk it while his dude friend is in the same room.

I’m pretty sure this is breaking the dude protocol.

HE CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

The knuckleheads take in the, er, pleasures of the least likely mansion in all of recorded history.

Then, complication arrives:

Let the Battle of the Creepy Pornstaches commence!

A “fellow” oil magnate arrives at Hottie Mansion.

Our heroes ditch the scene, asking to go look at other mansions. Then Mustachio boots the Lilac Menace, who has been cramping is Champion Mustache Style with all the wall-humping and monkey-spanking.

“Up yours, asshole!”

Mustachio gets his sleaze on next to the most magnificent spider plant anyone ever grew. Because, it’s 1979:

“Of course, I’ll buy this house! As long as we all get to have a threesome.”

Mustachio returns to Hottie Mansion, feeling self-satisfied about ditching his lilac-clad hetero life partner and boning two chicks under false pretenses.

Don’t get too comfy, there, pal.

Things are about to get weird.

First: weird dungeon.

It’s time for random S & M. 

Then, Leisure Suit guy comes back.

WE’RE BEST FRIENDS. SO BEST FRIENDS. IF YOU RUIN THIS VAGINA PARADE, I WILL KILL YOU.

And… what appears to be a clear violation of corporate usage rights:

“Hey, those two new guys seem shady, right, Mister Real Oil Magnate?” “M-I-C, K-E-….” “DON’T SAY IT! WE CAN NEVER AFFORD THE LICENSING!”

The next day, Mustachio actually goes through with signing papers for the spider plant house.

“It’s after 5 on the East Coast, and they won’t know I’m gas station attendant until Monday. The check’s in the mail, baby!”

When they leave, Broker Blondie gets a call from The Real Oil Magnate.

He offers to “look into” the “two clowns.”

The clowns further partake of the Hottie Mansion lifestyle.

MOAR SPIDER PLANTS.

Eventually, even Mustachio is all boned out. It’s just too many vaginas.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

AND THEN THE GANG DECIDES TO DO ANGEL DUST.

Nope.

Not kidding.

Welcome to the porno that turns into an after school special.

“HOOOOOOOOOO.”

And, then?

MUAH HA HA HA HA!

Then:

“HA HA HA! MICKEY MOUSE HATS! I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE. AND HATS.”

Then?

Oh, then things get really weird.

It’s now time for the procession.

Oh, yes.

Strike up a jaunty march!

The Lilac Suit has something to share.

This piece is probably in some MOMA right now.

Then?

It erupts.

Seems a waste of milk.

Yup.

“HA HA HA HA HA!”

Gallons and gallons. While a piano plays. A fucking piano.

Gallons and gallons.

THIS ISN’T HOMOEROTIC IN A WAY THAT CONFIRMS THE BASE BROMANCE AT THE HEART OF THIS “FILM” AT ALL. NOT. AT. ALL.

Someone got an art degree, and they needed to use it, okay?

Mustachio is having a time of it.

Fancy lens purchase in the budget? Justified.

He makes it with a tiger lady.

Alas. All the body paint in the world can’t compare to a giant, raining, paper mâché penis.

Yeah.

It’s a little furry-happy.

But, seriously.

That giant penis.

That. Giant. Paper. Mâché. Penis.

Really.

Who cares about the tigers?

The Real Oil Baron shows back up with the promised “500 Gs,” and he delivers the very sad news that Broker Blondie has been entertaining two fakes for a whole weekend.

500 Gs fits in that little briefcase.

Then, Mustachio gets caught spying:

Texans all carry guns, don’tcha know?

But, ever at the ready to protect his one true love, the Lilac Menace is here to save the day!

“I’ll just be taking this 500 Gs.”

Then, in a move so foolish it’s almost incomprehensible, except that they’re all on PCP, Blondie the Broker is totally on-board with a plan to ditch her actually wealthy, actually-buying-real-estate, actually an oil magnate Mouseketeer, so she can fly off into the sunset with Mustachio and his Totally Not Gay Friend.

HEE, HEE, HEE. WE’RE RICH. KIND OF. FOR 1979. GOT ANY MORE OF THAT ANGEL DUST? HEE, HEE, HEE.

Fin.

Also?

The things I do for you guys.

I always come back with something fun, though.  There will be a new Weird Porn entry tomorrow.

But, first!

Coming October 5th:

Playing House, Good Girls #3

Who can resist the lure of velour and wood paneling?

So, this is a thing that exists.

Animated Tom Waits with a stripper. You’re welcome.

Top & Bottom Photos: Caroline Mackintosh, “Thigh Deep.”
Middle Photo: John Lavin, “Rough Animals.”