I’ve been gone for a month.

It’s best to come back with a bang.

Yes, that’s a pun.

I’ve been promising to do the Panda Gang Bang for a while.

Today is the day.

This stars Ashli Orion. And, James Deen in a Panda Suit. If you can recognize Deen by the Peen alone, I salute you. It’s the lowest rated offering over at Bound Gang Bangs, last time I looked, and it made quite the splash last year.

Choice comments from the peanut gallery:

“I didn’t find out I was doing the panda porn until I got to Kink that morning. I got off the plane and I saw Princess Donna and she was like “guess what, we’re going to do a panda porn!” and I was like are you serious? Oh my gosh. Because it was Gang Bang, so I was like pandas? This is gonna be great.” Full interview can be found here.

Seriously, that is a hell of a thing to spring on a person. “By the way, later? We are totes doing furry porn. Neat right?”

Trust me. This is the final frontier.

“Yay?”

The real question here, is why pandas?

No one ever calls this thing anything but ‘The Panda Gang Bang.”

Our premise: Ashli passes out watching a nature program about panda mating. Like you do.

Ashli starts to see pandas every where.

At the bank.

“But pandas are supposed to be niiiiice?!”

At school.

“Fuck your book!”

She goes home and decides to get some rest, but the pandas follow her…

Don’t you hate it when sexually aggressive pandas sneak up on you as you’re brushing your teeth?

She goes to bed.

“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Panda Shadow knows!”

And, then things get worse.

Oh, now she’s fucked.

I would like to remind everyone, that this a porn.

Really.

Thanks to the internet I know that someone, somewhere out there, actually jerks it to this image.

This is gang bang porn.

So… well… things are about to get a little graphic.

THE PANDAS ATTACK!

We descend.

This is where one starts to doubt their commitment to Sparkle*Motion.

Despite their panda-ness, they have man hands.

Because this is still a porn, the pandas quickly convince Ashli that, hell yes, it’s panda gang bang time.

Because mysterious porn reasons.

The proceed to the the usual gang-bangish shenanigans…

The mind wanders at times likes these. I mean, really? Why pandas? Is it because they are so notoriously low libido? Is this porn irony? Am I to make reference to Chuck Palahniuk at this point?

Yup.

Yup.

I’m going to do it.

“Pounding that kid, I really wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every endangered panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species and every whale or dolphin that gave up and ran itself aground.”

Panda porn, people.

Really.

QUICK, WHICH ONE IS DEEN?! I’m guessing Mr. 1 o’Clock.

This shit goes on for about half an hour.

I start to wonder about things like the history of shapeshifting motifs in world mythology.

If you hold James Deen fast and fear him not, does he turn into bear?

They switch up panda positions!

Someone is losing his panda head there on the left.

You wouldn’t want your panda gang bang to get stale and repetitive, right?

Feats of strength! It must be Festivus!

The try to feed her palm fronds, because, I suppose, there isn’t any real bamboo to be had in the entire city of San Francisco.

It’s strange to me that I really consider this the moment of “commitment to craft.” I don’t know why I am more impressed with the consumption of artificial greenery, compared to the willingness to bang a herd of costumed pandas.

Being a gang bang, it ends as all gang bangs do…

How most people feel after a long ride on the Panda Express.

Then she and the pandas all take a nap, to tinkling lullaby music in a creepy minor key.

Rejected Sanrio characters.

Then comes the usual Kink.com post-interview, where Princess Donna asks, “What was the hardest part of being in a panda gang bang?”

I’ll give you a guess…

Who needs to twerk when you can Ride the Panda Head?

Yeah.

Stop! Panda time. It turns out that James Deen is the shortest panda.

Pandamonium is available at Kink.com, if you haven’t had enough panda action for one life time just from these pics.

Ya weirdo.

I wish.

I know I’ve been neglecting the blog.

I hit 20k on my full length novel tonight. (Deenie is the first chapter.)

I’ll be back. I’ve found some wild weird porn. Oh, December.

Playing House, Good Girls #3

Playing House is officially available on Amazon!

What was the working title of this book?

Rosalie and Daddy-O.  Titles are not exactly my strong suit.

Where did the idea for this book come from?

There’s a Fetlife group called “1950′s Lifestyle.” I just wanted to play with the idea.

What genre does your book fall under?

BDSM erotica. This one has quite a bit of “equipment and rules” BDSM.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

A ridiculously adorable couple discovers the economics of power exchange.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I can’t help but envision this book taking place in my first apartment. It was a duplex, actually–a divided house that was built in the 1920s.  I actually got an anonymous, type-written note in the mail, warning me that the alcoholic biker next door was a Peeping Tom. We kept an eye out for holes in the wall.

For real!

I still have the note!

So, yeah. New story! Click here!

There are a ton of absolute novices asking questions.

With the tiniest bit of experience, I’ve got some advice:

1. The actual sex part of the sex scenes will not take up nearly as much space as you think it will, unless you start adding crazy stuff. You’re going to need more people, props, and limbs.  You’re going to need more scenes. Just bank on it.  When in doubt? Add a sex scene. This is how people end up writing dinosaur porn. Or, in my case, threesomes and sex parties.
2. In that vein, if you’re writing erotica (and not erotic romance) add a subplot with two different characters altogether. Write scenes with just minor characters. Write about an entire group of people. It works for Tiffany Reisz. It works for Laura Antoniou. It can work for you. This is part of why so many erotic romances are actually erotic suspense books–it needs some subplot.
3. Use all five senses, and check in with three or four others for good measure.  Sure, there’s Tab A and Slot B, but there’s also hot and cold, grounded and dizzy, the discomfort or excitement of the invasion of personal space (this is called “proprioception,”) and, of course, the fuzzy line between pain and pleasure.
4. If you’re planning on m/m or f/f for the first time, know this ahead of time: you’re going to have pronoun confusion. Lots and lots and lots of it.
5. Get used to hearing people say you’re writing porn, and get over being offended that someone might think you’re writing porn.
   
6. Don’t worry about writing “too much” sex. Do you think that horror writers are all, “I just think this vampire novel is too fangy.” Do you think military thriller guys sit around worrying that their characters are just being way too bad ass with all the blowing shit up and shooting bad guys? Fucking, no. Write the sex. Write it loud and proud. Add more.
7. That being said, if you write in public, always make sure your laptop is facing the wall.  The last think you want is Uncle Creeper sneaking up behind you, then giving you the eyebrow waggling nod.  That’ll kill your creativity.
8. There are only so many words for body parts. It’s NaNoWriMo. Go ahead and use the worst euphemisms. It’ll be hilarious later.
9. You can’t come up with anything so weird that the internet hasn’t already outdone you ten times over. There’s Darkwing Duck erotic fanfic.  There’s adult baby forums.  There’s talking pants porn. You’re probably not going to out-weird the talking pants porn. So don’t sweat it. Let your freak flag fly.
10. You’re going to be sick of sex at some point. Just completely grossed out by the whole idea of it. You will recover.

Good luck, NaNos!

“Try to shut us up by throwing us some scrote.”

Heh.

I always come back with something fun, though.  There will be a new Weird Porn entry tomorrow.

But, first!

Coming October 5th:

Playing House, Good Girls #3

Who can resist the lure of velour and wood paneling?

So, this is a thing that exists.

Animated Tom Waits with a stripper. You’re welcome.

Top & Bottom Photos: Caroline Mackintosh, “Thigh Deep.”
Middle Photo: John Lavin, “Rough Animals.”

*Sighs.*

I don’t even know.

It spies on your sexy times.

See how loud it really gets!

Spreadsheets does not record or playback your session. That would be creepy.

YA THINK?!

So, it measures how long and how loud.

And how many thrusts.

How did this thing make it over the adult content hurdle in the Apple Store?

How do you Spreadsheets?

Find out just how long you really last.

Keep a record of your average, peak, and aggregate performance. Let the facts speak for themselves

But…

Why?

What would these “facts” even really say?

That you have a statistics fetish?

That you aren’t comfortable performing tasks that aren’t part of a metrics portfolio?

I can’t…

*Sighs.*

Only the people you share it with. Share it with your doctor if you’re trying to get pregnant. Share it with your nutritionist since you’re burning calories. Share it with your friends and let the facts speak for themselves.

OH MY GOD.

PLEASE DON’T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR THRUST COUNT, PEOPLE.

All those workouts you’ve recorded on Facebook? I blocked them. I promise.

I am really not even sure that loud, long and thrusty is any guarantee for success.