I’m still alive.

The vast majority of the blogs that were around when I started this thing have since disappeared.

The subject matter doesn’t necessarily lend itself to marathons.

What’s behind the curtain? Not a whole lot.

Wanna know a secret?

My sex life is sort of super boring right now.

So… thinking much about sex is just a bit of a bummer.

That includes fictional sex.

I am not sure what, exactly, I am going to do.

But, you know… I do still have loooooads of weird porn.

“The temptations of the great war are many, the battles are real, and the enemy is clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless, and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger. We must be vigilant and valiant…”

Speaking of masturbation, allow me to introduce “The Great War.”

Yup.

The “Greatest” war is You vs. Your Friend’s Penis.

“If you need to, talk to your bishop, tell someone who can do something that you have a friend in trouble.”

Yes, indeed. Flog the Bishop.

Flog him hard.

Share meaningful glances about penis, from across a crowded room.

Peek in on your fappingest of friends.

Be on high alert.

Be eternally vigilant.

The Monkey Spankers are all around us.

Tasmin Flowers did a review and snippet of my story, and Erotica Revealed reviewed the book, too.

I chose Tahira Iqbal’s story “Demica.”

The door opens. My heart jumps into my throat again as a tall, slender woman practically floats in on sky-high heels, the seriously sharp toe peeking out from her black, billowing pants that rise up and skim her neat waist. Her ample breasts shift sensuously against the silk of her white shirt, the neck modest however, reaching up and ruffling just under her chin. Her black, poker-straight hair is tied at the base of her skull; the tail
end of it swishing against her buttocks.

“Miss Nolan,” she says, extending her hand, “I’m Demica, and I’m in charge of your induction today.”

I swallow back the surprise as I take her perfectly manicured hand, the French tips gleaming. “This isn’t what I imagined….”

“A dark dungeon with nothing but whips and chains?” She lifts her long, elegant hand to indicate the room, blood-red lips parting in a warm smile. “This is a much more conducive environment for training.”

Eve Nolan really loves her fiance. When he utters three words–”Tie me up”–her whole concept of sex and power goes into a tailspin. He schedules an appointment for her with Demica, a professional dominatrix, so that Eve can get a taste of what exactly he’s after.

Only Eve isn’t sure that she is the kinky type.

She needs convincing.

This is one of those sensual stories where everything is silk and lush. The breeze is warm, the people are gorgeous, the skin is soft, and everything smells delicious. 

Plus, come on. There aren’t nearly enough stories about the training of dominants, if you ask me.

I’ve been working my way through my copy, and Twisted is full of all sorts of kinky fun. It will be available in hard copy on February 18th.

Twisted: Bondage with an Edge, Edited by Alison Tyler

That’s gross neglect!

She’s talented. Visually, she has an surprising way of gentling what should be hardcore kink. Bonus: she’s totally adorable.

These are all from her Tumblr.

“Sandy and her Feline.” 2014

“Alabama (Pinned-Up),” 2012

“Curing Hysteria.” 2012

Selfie, 2013

“Nikki Silver swimming in silk.” 2013

She’s also got websites at IsabelDresler.com and CleanMoralPolite.com, and she Tweets. Go forth and follow!

Look! Twisted: Bondage with an Edge (which includes my first anthology piece) can be pre-ordered, now!

It comes out on Monday! *Insert squee here.*

Twisted: Bondage with an Edge, Edited by Alison Tyler

Alison is awesome, and she’s got a brand new novel out, The Delicious Torment (the sequel to Dark Secret Love, which I haven’t been able to read yet, but it’s got excellent reviews.)

So, today we’re going dark and spooky.

Terror at Orgy Castle, 1972

This was directed by Zoltan G. Spencer, who certainly should get some recognition for inventing the best nightmare circus pseudonym ever.

So, the story goes:

These two dweebs are on honeymoon. They bang, or as Bill repeatedly puts it, “make it,” all the way through a variety of tourist traps in Europe. When we find them, they’ve landed on the footsteps of a castle that just won’t ever be cool enough to be Transexual Transylvania.

It’s more like Exploitation Estonia.

Dammit, Janet

They meet NotElvira, who’s got cat eyes and a banging wardrobe.

I am 90% certain my grandmother had that same dress.

NotElvira informs them that her family has been in the house for hundreds of years, and her ancestors were burned in that very room!

For the record, these two are not quick on the uptake. Seriously, Shaggy and Scooby Doo are better detectives.

Heeeeey… why is there a coffin in the lobby? What’s with the constant harpsichord music?

DUN DUN DUN!

Then, it’s time to go to the room and “make it.”

Not your typical porn angle, right? I pretty sure I’ve seen worse on HBO.

Downstairs, NotElvira is busy busting out the topless witchcraft because… reasons!

Boobs: better than a panda gang bang.

She then expands the magic to other boobs.

Boobs: magical.

At this point, Bob is snooping around the castle. Like you do.

When he sees the Ultimate Breast Trick:

The boobs that turn you into a dude. TA DA!

Are you guys feeling the thrills, yet?

NotElvira-io, the Count of Exploitation Estonia, then proceeds to do hippie threesome action with the two Extra Sets of Breasts.

But a threesome isn’t really an orgy. And, this is terror at Orgy Castle.

NotElvira-io catches Bob spying on his threesome, and gives him the fiercest of raised eyebrows:

It’s not quite Blue Steel.

Bob is afraid, and he rushes back to his room, only to be greeted by the magical mirror sex witches!

Note that his bride just keeps on sleeping!

When they wake up, a party is already in progress.

They do have style at Orgy Castle.

Then it’s time to drink, and I quote, “strange brew,” and tear apart roasted chickens with their bare hands.

The 70′s were a time for experimenting, right?

It’s time for the entertainment!

You might think the dancer was entertaining, but no…

Oh, no, no…

This is Weird Porn Wednesday, not Mildly Amusing Glimpse Into 70′s Softcore Wednesday.

Welcome to WTFBBQ Castle.

They strap a chick to a conveniently located St. Andrew’s Cross.

..so far, so good…

Then…

BOOM!

TIME TO BUST OUT THE RAT.

RAT PORN TIME!

This is before there was a PETA, by the way.

Who knows what became of this rat?

They strap the rat pan to their victim, and then heat up the pan, so that the rat has to gnaw it’s way out.

DeSade would be proud.

Yup.

“Wait, I thought this was a porn?”

“Bitch, please, I am NotElvira, and I do what I want. YOLO.”

She just wants a SAG card, okay?

“This was NOT in the brochure!”

The rat scene goes on for, and I actually timed this, five fucking minutes.

By my calculations, that is enough time to wilt even the mightiest of boners.

And, then it’s all a joke!!

Never mind!

This porn is officially fucking with me.

The rat-gnawing supposedly incites the blood lust of the Estonian Bacchanalians, and they immediately begin an orgy involving a lot of grape smashing.

JELLIES AND JAMS.

Bob and Dammit Janet try to make an escape, because rat-gnawing and grape orgies are just not the “making it” they signed up for.

Denied.

NotElvira is up to her usual Boob Magic.

They are now slaves to the Boobs.

Amazing pyrotechnics! That’s how you know the boob magic was a success!

Actual quote: “Lisa was being prepared to be the Bride of the Devil.”  So metal.

Lest you think the weirdness is over?

Let me introduce you to this fucking thing.

Kick ass. Maybe with a little more money and street cred, Zoltan G, Spencer could have been Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Time to get your Goat on.

Yup.

Bob is not pleased.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope…

New guy dons the Goat mask.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope…

Eventually, the Terror Orgy ends.

This is how you know it’s a Very Serious Film. Sad ending. Just like Hamlet.

A broken man, Bob takes DammitJanet into the light of a dawn.

And what does she tell him?

Once you go black goat, you never go back.

“”The outside world held nothing for us now. We will never escape from the webs of perversion into which we had been drawn.”

So, he heads back into the castle, to await the next victims.

Oh, cruel world!

Fin.

You can witness some of this glorious goofiness in action!

Oddly enough, it turns out that the director is Valentine Bonnaire’s uncle. Small world.

The Adventures of Double Dick Dixon #1

BEHOLD!

Double Dick Dixon, the man with two cocks, in his first amazing adventure.

My “friend” D. P. Allnight lives in a Crystal Condo of Solitude, high on a mountain where no one gets any cell service. He rarely receives guests, and his continuing efforts to unravel the enigma that is Richard “Dirk Doubledick” Dixon the Third have had questionable effects on his health.

But we’re lucky enough to reap the rewards of his quest.

Playing House, Good Girls #3

Playing House is free on January 1st and January 2nd!

Happy new year!

Happy 2014!

I solemnly resolve:

1. I will not mimic Miley Cyrus in habit or action. Unless, possibly, when paid and very drunk.
2. I will write something. We’ll just keep that nice and vague.
3. I will do my best not to reflexively giggle every time someone says “balls.”
4. I will keep all comments on giant penii to a minimum.
5. By “minimum” I mean, I won’t frown and start wondering aloud about determining volume in beakers of water, thereby making my husband look at me like I am insane.
6. I will have sex this year. Presumably.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This year I got “Exquisite Wireless Vibration.egg”

Behold!

Click for a bigger, readable image. For the record, it has TEN “SPEEBS!”

This thing makes many, many exquisite promises!

The wireless remote vibrating egg has a bright surface, is the newest product, with perfect design, it lets female to get free from puzzle or the filament, you can play with freewheeling!

FANCY.

It’s shiny! It’s new! It’s… laden with puzzles and filaments!

This product is made by imported new materials and advanced technology, with unique design, it Meets diversified demand of people.

I assume “imported new materials” is a Chinese translation for “repurposed industrial waste.”

The smooth surface will satisfy the demand of human body but Will not hurt the skin. It helps female clitoris and vagina for reaching orgasm..

I think this is meant to soothe my fears about toxic chemicals.

The fine selection of gold. Silver and color wireless remote vibrating egg that have colorful Appearance. Unique vibration speed and wireless remote controlled, showing the high levels of Designer and good understanding and consideration in a suitable way for the customer.

The newest technology product has perfect quality and technics.

I can surely detect the high levels of Designer here.

Lover dalliance

10-speed vibration design

Intermittent vibration. It complete the rate of speed of demand of female.

When you are single or together with your lover, it will bring you to have an abundant sex joy.

Well.

Who doesn’t want an abundant sex joy?