In all caps!

If you don’t know who that is, he’s got a Wikipedia entry.

The post that generates all the search string hits is “The Downsides of Having a Giant Dick.”

Lost in Translation. I can’t recall what the title was.

We’ve all done it.

Or, for the sake of my own ego, I hope we’ve all done it.

That moment where someone tried desperately to be sexy, and it missed the mark.  There you are, frozen in horror–in my case probably blushing. Or you laugh, and then figure out it was not meant to be funny, and you’ve probably scarred them for life.

But the worst, for me, is always The Guy That Wants to Sing.

I ran across two singers.

There was Singing in Public Guy. I am pretty sure that he thought he was super romantic and dead sexy.  I was stuck in perma-giggling because holy mother of fuck, he wouldn’t stop.  And, in public there’s the horribleness of knowing that you’re being watched, because upon randomly breaking into song, you’re now a public spectacle.

That dude did not get laid.

There was Singing in Private Guy.

Even worse.  We’re talking like, sexy-times R. Kelly music.

And, you can’t convince Singing Guys that they shouldn’t sing. For Singing Guy is certain that his vocal prowess is a panty-dropping magic missile. He’s the amazing movie moment you’ve been waiting for, in his wild imaginings.  If you complain to Singing Guy about his singing, somehow it makes you the asshole.  You become the physical incarnation of Why Romance is Dead.

Singing Guy doesn’t know that he’s officially in the same category as Bad Pick Up Line Guy, or Wierdo That is Always Touching Your Arm and Murmuring, or Bizarre Jackhammer Sex Guy.

He’s got no idea.

You know who I’m talking about. THAT guy.

Bet you didn’t see Elvis riding an artichoke coming, did you?

I love a good, weird, brain stretching fictional challenge.  A large chunk of why I write fiction boils down to ‘Just to see if I can pull it off.”  I read a lot of things just to see how “weird thing” + “weird thing” works.

So, when Heather at Vagina Antics threw down an artichoke gauntlet at Jenny Lynn a thousand pervy little angels got their dirty little wings. She made artichokes sexy.

The story should be available today, through Etopia Press.

Really, the best part of all this is that Jenny appears to have actually dented into Rule 34.

If you can imagine it, there’s porn of it.

But, so far as I can tell?

There wasn’t.

You heard it here, people. Artichoke porn. Newly minted genre.

Hell yeah.

Elvis salutes you, Jenny.  He’s all shook up.

The sparkling water adds a certain air of class, right?

It never hurts to have an go-to personal affirmation.

I actually truly believe this one, too.

Someone, somewhere out there, has fapped to you. Or, some ghost of you. Some flash half-remembered.

Oh, yes.

Joan 1:12 pm: as long as it’s not rick santorum related

Him 1:12 pm: ok. scratch that then. nevermind.
Him 1:15 pm: I was going to have you masturbate with rick santorum.

Joan 1:15 pm: damn

Him 1:15 pm: Guess that’s out then, huh?

Joan 1:15 pm: it would be the female equivalent of pushing rope

Him 1:16 pm: I want you to masturbate with the favored glass dildo. Then, I want you on your knees in my office ready for my cock within 15 minutes of me getting home.

Joan 1:17 pm: one of the dildos is flavored?
Joan 1:17 pm: ew. toxic.
Joan 1:17 pm: oh wait
Joan 1:17 pm: favored

Him 1:17 pm: …

Down. There.

There’s an anal sex scene that manages to never reference an ass or an anus.

Hence, The Generator:

Leaving my panties sunny side up on the floor was the least of my worries as his timed slimer slid deeper into my other vagina.

Heh. Classy.

Julian Mandel, Nu allongé dans le boudoir, 1930’s.  I bet if it were called “quivering love mounds” it would still sound pretty fancy in French.

Yesterday, Richard Thomas at LitReactor said that there were really only six acceptable terms.

For men, keep it simple. I think I’ve only ever used the words penis, dick and cock. Anything else just seems strange, and to be honest, makes me laugh. So no throbbing manhood or spear of salvation—or whatever flowery or weird phrase you’re trying to incorporate into your writing. It just doesn’t work.

For women, likewise, keep it simple. Breast or breasts are probably the most common words used, but I’ve also seen tits work in the right setting. “Honey, I love your tits. Them titties are the reason I keep working so hard.” To me, tits can often sound harsh coming from a male POV, but coming from a woman’s POV it can work. “He ran his tongue over my flushed tits and gently bit down on my nipple.” Something like that might work.

That only leaves the complicated and mystical female nether regions. See, sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I try to avoid naming this famed portal of pleasure because, again, from a male POV it can sound aggressive. But the obvious choices are vagina, pussy and cunt.

I have never read any of his sex scenes, but I do wonder how you write sex that includes Dick and Tits, but no Mystical Female Nether Regions.

I actually enjoy an occasional flowery euphemism. They stick with you. Sometimes they stick for the wrong reasons, but hey! You can’t win them all.

Really, there are two reasons to go with creative nether-regional phrasing:  you don’t wish to offend the delicate sensibilities of the type of woman who dutifully brings her coupons to the Winn-Dixie every Saturday, or you just start to go a little nuts with how often your brain coughs up the same word over and over in your mind. Take “dick.” You start to sound like a dick stopwatch in your own mind. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. You live in a mental race where it’s always dick o’clock.  (See what I mean about a decent euphemism?)  So, you’re all, well, I’ll alternate. Dick-cock, dick-cock, dick-cock.

I’ll stop.

Anyway. What are your favorite terrible euphemisms?

Lots of jokes about plumbers, pizza delivery, and pool boys.

Really, for me, the best thing about porn lessons is the cross-cultural opportunities.

Ten things you can learn through the wonder of international porn titles:

1. Italians dig on group sex, and that group always includes a “mature” woman who acts as a sort of fluffer/doting mother figure. The first time I encountered this, I was all, “Okay, that’s a little weird.”  Then I realized it was actually a thing. It’s like every orgy porn set over there has it’s own Italian grandma around to serve her special lasagna.
2. Brazilian pool parties are the saddest pool parties ever. Whereas Americans have largely perfected the Forced Happy MTV Poolside face, Brazilians wiggle limply in confusion, wondering why they aren’t doing this at the beach.
3. Swedes like farms. There’s just nothing about narrative porn that comes outs of Sweden that cannot be forced, through strange and mysterious mechanisms, into a barn or field. There appears to be some sort of weird Hee-Haw vibe to it all that doesn’t quite translate, too.  Like Swedish yokels are sex-starved and it’s inherently hilarious.
4. Japanese people love their sex toys. Seriously. I know that of all the things one could notice about Japanese porn (tentacles, hentai, bukkake, speculums, anyone in a panda suit) this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it’s strange.  The men will show you  all their little dangling vibrators, like a day-glo flock of buzzing birds, while grunting and moaning in approval.
5. The Germans aren’t as weird as you think they are.
6. French porn occasionally blind sides you with necrophilia just because it can.  Seriously. This has happened to me more than once. For some reason, there are lots of French pornos shot in the chateaus of the recently deceased.  I guess “the horny widows” is one of their tropes.
7. Adorable young Czechs can be plied with Red Bull, Marlboros, free liquor and 200 dollars USD, providing they’re in a clean, well-lit environment with ample lockers.
8. Despite the fact that Russia is notoriously cold, they really appear to enjoy being naked in the great outdoors. It’s some sort of outdoorsy point of national pride.
9. All filmed sex acts in Spain somehow involve Nacho Vidal.  I am pretty sure he has to personally approve all shots, by law. This is weird, because Nacho was first male porn star I ever really liked and looked out for. This was way back when you bought porn on tape and DVD, because internet porn clips were all 22 seconds long.  (He was in a Shane’s World, back when she was still hosting. That’s how long ago. Before he was creepy. ‘Cause he’s seriously creepy these days.)
10. Brits are really into being dominated by female bosses in stockings. If there are no bosses or stockings to be found, then they’re probably at a house party where the music sucks.

The truth behind the cameras.

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