My sex dreams rarely work out.
I hear that there are people that have very satisfying somnambular (there’s your word of the day) episodes.
I usually have sex dreams that start out hot and end up weird.
Celebrity dreams are about a million times worse.
1.) George Clooney
I was 18 or so, and we’d seen Out of Sight that afternoon. There’s a scene in the movie where Jennifer Lopez and Clooney are trapped in a trunk together. I can tell you that being trapped in a trunk with imaginary Dream Clooney is a lot of fun. What is less fun is that, at some point, my brain decided that we really, really needed to use the spare tire, with the tire iron that was poking me in the back. Eventually, instead of sexing George Clooney, I ended up in some sort of auto repair place haggling over tires. Dream fail.
2.) Britney Spears
I was totally confused by this one. Britney Spears is not my type. She’s really not. I did her in my sleep anyway. Dream Britney was awesome. Dream Britney had the most perfect breasts that anyone has ever touched in a dream in the history of dream boobs. We totally went clubbing in this dream, and we did what club kids do. Unfortunately, she had braces. This was, like, 2001. She was 18; the braces made sense. Kind of. I don’t know. Jung will have to decipher it. And, in this dream, I had clit piercings. You can see where this is going, right? Instead of nocturnally getting off, I had a dream about having Britney Spears’ braces trapped in my delicate bits. Fuck you, MTV.
3.) John Paul Tremblay
This is where the real deterioration begins. I was 26, I guess? John Paul Tremblay played Julian on Trailer Park Boys. Really, I have no excuse. I guess he was kind of attractive. He’s currently balding, and Canadian, and totally creepy looking. But I would watch these endless marathons of the show, and eventually, there I was. The setting was a trailer. Of course. But, it was the never ending trailer. There are people that make a doublewide out of two singlewides. Or, a quadruple wide. Whatever. In this dream, it was endless attached trailers. It was the Winchester Mystery Trailer. And, Julian and I had to pay rent. We kept wandering through trailer after trailer, looking for someone to pay, but could never find the office. Eventually, we got bored and just had hot, trailer park sex instead.
At least it wasn’t the guy that played Bubbles.
Bubbles.
4.) Steve-O.
Yes. Really. You wanna wake up seriously disgusted with yourself? Accidentally have a sex dream about the guy that’s almost too fucked up for Jackass. Someone that has flown through the air in an unsecured portapotty. It’s about at that point that you start to long for the days that you had Britney Spear’s imaginary braces endangering your subconscious netherpeircings. You wake up. You take a shower, and you just can’t get really clean.
5.) Charlie Day
Y’all. I just don’t know. There’s something wrong with me.
It’s not always sunny. It’s just not.
9 Comments
Twitter: MsLilyLloyd
My word, Joan, you’re a child! A child, I tell you!
One of my favorite movies, actually. Seeing a prison escape/heist movie made by Soderbergh is like eating a cheeseburger flipped by Julia Child.
I would still do Dream Clooney. Oh, yes.
Twitter: MsLilyLloyd
That scene in the bathtub is pretty hot too.
This list is hilarious. It makes me think of a sex dream one of my friends once told me about. She was having sex with a guy, “but then he turned into [her SO], as people tend to do.”
Yeah, see, I can’t even get into the Real People sex dreams. That’s way weirder than the odd celebrity.
Twitter: jennylynwrites
I once had a sex dream about Tim Tebow. I don’t even want to begin to try and analyze that one. My subconscious is so going straight to Hell.
LOL. Awesome.
My sex dreams rarely go well either. The George Clooney is the closest to mine, where it looks like there will be hot sex, but then something happens and the dream goes off in another direction. The most common distraction in my dreams is that I have to go to the bathroom. I tell him I’ll be right back, I go, I have to pee endlessly, because I have to pee in real life, and since I’m not actually relieving it, in the dream I keep going and going and going, and finally I give up, get off the pot, go back looking for the man, whoever it is, and of course he’s long gone.
LOL @ the endless pee.
I actually dream that I cannot get enough water. Like, I’ll be drinking and drinking and drinking straight from the faucet, and it just doesn’t quench.