We’re going to solve a mystery, here, people. From adultdvdtalk:
I just watched another David Stanley movie – “Before I Wake”. It was so good. Such a great story concept. And the ending made me cry. I could feel myself melting. My chest got tight and my nose tingled and the fat hot tears fell. Why doesn’t this guy make mainstream features? Damn it! His movies are clever and observant and funny and layered and – shit – I think David Stanley is my new crush!
Indeed. Why? Why has this genius been limited to the adult film ghetto? Allow me to present:
A David Stanley Film. (For Vivid, 2004.)
Let’s set the scene.
Somewhere in Los Angeles…
Your local friendly diner.
Henry, our lead, with his only true friend and beloved roomate, Nurse Savanna, sit and wait for service.
Who do you have to blow to get a burger in this joint?
Because their chef is Evan Stone, and he’s sort of busy in the kitchen.
This is pre-Pirates Evan Stone, back when he still had hair.
Our hero gets VERY ANGRY, and he throws a salt shaker.
FEEL THE PATHOS.
Nurse Savanna calms him down, and they go home.
Then he checks his messages:
No, really. FEEL IT.
We discover that, indeed, a man who throws a salt shaker, is a man on the edge of sanity. His ex-girlfriend, Olivia, pleads with Henry to get therapy and stop leaving her 26 messages a day.
He immediately calls her back.
Then he calls again.
And again.
Then he passes out.
He wakes up disoriented.
His things are strewn about. His room is covered in beer bottles. Someone has thrown a party while he slept.
He’s now on high alert!
Ninja time!
Then…
His pants start talking to him.
Yes. Fucking, for real, this is a porno about TALKING PANTS. Talking. Pants.
Henry, clearly, is living in an isolated, Kafka-esque, pants-haunted nightmare of his own creation.
I am dead serious.
Talking. Fucking. Pants.
Now, I suppose it’s possible that David Stanley is some sort of round-about genius, because you do serious reflection upon realizing that you’ve somehow found yourself watching a damned porn movie about a salt-tossing stalker with talking pants.
He does battle with the pants. Alas, the pants taunt him a second time.
They demand money and mustard. They appear to be habitual marijuana smokers.
They love French chicks.
He immediately calls his ex-girlfriend to tell her, so that the pants might talk to her.
“There’s not a party in my pants. My pants threw a party!”
Eventually he seeks solace from Nurse Savanna.
The best help is always located in the boobs.
At this point, I’m wondering how they’re going to manage to bring in the sex scenes. Because this is some boner-wilting shit, right?
Nurse Sexy goes to work, and gets advice from a fake-accented German/Frenchman, Nurse Nicole. Nicole tells her to fuck the sanity back into her poor roomie.
Olivia protests!
Nicole reminds her of the time she had sex with a Latin Pop star, in order to sooth his aching smack overdose:
HE CANNOT BEAR TO MISS ANOTHER CONCERT, DUE TO HIS OWN HEROIN ADDICTION.
Once again… the healing power of boobs.
Nurse Breasticles tells her friend that the Latin Pop Sensation wasn’t her roommate, therefore she will not be delivering sexual healing to Henry out of any sense of Nursely Obligation. But… she’s okay with Nicole, the worst Fake German/Frenchman ever, making an attempt.
Meanwhile, Henry continues to descend…
Yes, he’s wearing camo and threatening the pants with a bat.
She suggests a non-pants party:
TA DA!
And she attempts some immersion therapy:
TAKE THE PANTS! TAKE THEM! CONFRONT YOUR PATHOS!
Eventually, he just lays there with the pants and cries while she growls and shouts things at him in a variety of pseudo-European accents.
Yeah. Henry is weeping. HAWT.
But, it doesn’t work!
CRAZY EYES!
He kicks Nicole out and cries into his pants some more!
I swear, solemnly, that he actually calls them “Pantsy” at this point.
Then he lays down the law:
No more parties for you, Mister Pants!
Nurse Savanna seeks a Doctor’s opinion.
I’ll let you guess how that works out.
It’s time for boob-medicine!
Eventually, somewhere around the painting-himself-with-woad phase, Nurse Busty takes pity on him.
What is love, but a prelude to sorrow? (Yes, that’s a tenuous Nina Simone reference. I do have some culture, dammit.)
Alas.
There’s still 15 minutes left.
Nurse Sexy informs Henry that her miracle cure was a One Time Only deal.
She’s still coated in blue paint. These are the details you find in movies made by a true craftsman.
He runs off to the other room to wail and gnash.
She rolls her eyes and goes to work, where she runs into the ex-girlfriend, Olivia.
This girl delivered the most wooden lines in the whole movie. It’s so bad it ripped space and time apart, and three Golden Era porn stars dropped dead just while she was rehearsing.
Olivia and Nurse Sexy are so overcome by the overwhelming power of sharing a room with their own mammary glands that they instantly go at it.
We weren’t going to get out of a movie this breast-focused without a lesbian scene. There’s protocol to maintain here, y’all. Guido enforcers from deep in the heart of the San Bernadino Valley seek you out and break your kneecaps if you fail to include a girl-on-girl scene in your 119 minute feature length film.
Henry roams the halls with flowers, searching for Nurse Savanna. He runs into the German/Frenchman who’s grandmother has died.
She confirms she’s supposed to be German. Grandma refused to pass on her strudel recipe.
While there he runs into post-sexytimes Olivia and Savanna and throws a finger-pointing hissyfit.
ALL THE VAGINA BETWAYS HIM!
He runs off crying, again.
So, Nurse Savanna finally goes home to discover that the pants have achieved sentience.
Yup.
I have no idea.
She faints dead away.
And, thus, Henry is vindicated.
Sort of.
He’s still a giant creepy manbaby.
Keep dancing, buddy.
So… yeah.
If anyone really wants to know why this guy never made mainstream movies?
Mystery solved.
4 Comments
Hehe.
Hahahehe.
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHEHEHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!
*applause*
It’s pretty special, right?
Oh my god. I want to read a gazillion porn recaps by you.
Luckily, I have at least a year of backlogged options.
One Trackback
[…] There’s Darkwing Duck erotic fanfic. There’s adult baby forums. There’s talking pants porn. You’re probably not going to out-weird the talking pants porn. So don’t sweat it. Let […]