Time for another installment of…
So, today we’re going modern. This thing is still for sale at AVN.com.
I present The Legend of the Magic Taco.
From Wicked Pictures. 2009.
So, my theory is that these people smoked a lot of weed.
I mean… a lot of weed.
Not just, “Oh, man, I shouldn’t have had that whole bowl to myself” amounts of weed.
No.
We’re talking acres of weed, here.
I don’t know how else you’d end up this deeply committed to the marriage of porn and tacos. I really don’t.
Meet Juan Hernandez Cortez Jones.
“But you can call me Ed.”
He makes tacos.
With special sauce.
No, not that special sauce.
I have no idea why the most magical tacos in L. A. would have Old El Paso hard shells, but I also don’t smoke acres of marijuana, so what do I know?
They are, in fact, so high they’ve forgotten how to correctly approach the task of taco-eating.
Who the hell eats tacos from that angle?
Now, you would suppose that they would immediately just get it on, given this set up, right?
That’s probably because you’ve never smoked acres and acres of weed.
First!
It’s time for some Spanish guitar.
The guy in the sombrero never says a word.
“What the fuck was that?”
Now it’s time to get it on!
Right there in the booth, y’all.
Fade to black.
Scene.
We arrive back at the House of a 1000 Tacos.
When a couple mentions enchiladas, Juan Hernandez Pantero Jones, is outraged.
“But you can call me Al.”
He browbeats the guests into ordering tacos.
And, then he gives it the special sauce, which bamphs them away to a magical place
Wow! Those tacos are so magical, you’ve been whisked away to a home office of some kind!
And, then?!
MUSIC!
Actual lyrics: “I GAVE YOU THE SAAAAAUCE. THAT MADE YOU THE BOSS.”
I am a little sad I don’t do audio with these.
The customers are duly impressed!
“What the fuck was that?”
Then…
We don’t know where they are in time or space. The logical conclusion? GET IT ON!
Eventually word spreads of the magical taco action, and Owner Magician acquires a fancy new hat.
“So what brings you to my House of 1000 Tacos?”
This time he uses green sauce–”especial for lesbians.”
When I was young, you ate pills for this sort of clothes-removing magic, but I guess tacos are more in line with today’s natural foods movement.
We are then treated to awkward lesbian porn.
“Omg, boobs are kind of weird, right? Like, that’s not just me?”
Seriously. AWKWARD lesbian sex.
“Stay still, I can’t get this thing in your mouth.” “Stop stabbing my jaw with it.”
Fade to black.
Scene.
Juan Valdez Sanchez Romero has become an international legend. A trio of pilgrims has arrived.
“I will fulfill all of your sexual fantasies.”
He pulls out the big guns.
Three special sauces!
They eat the tacos of wonder:
Foreign guy in the middle: “The sow-ce. The mah-jeek sow-ce. Eet WOHrks.”
Then?
MUSIC!
“I SPREAD EROTIC SAUCESSSSS THROUGHOUT THE LAND! CHA CHA CHA!”
Then its’ once again time to get it on!
“Fluorescent tube lighting and pleather couches just turn us on!”
And when they have finished their shenanigans in some poor accountant at Wicked’s office, we come to terms with the conclusion.
“Oh, ho ho. The legend of zee tacos. Eezz truuuuue!”
Just in case…
“No, really, you porno-addled stoners, there are no magic tacos.”
FIN.
4 Comments
Twitter: jennylynwrites
I won’t be eating tacos for a looooong time.
HE SERVES EROTIC SAAAAAAAAUCE, THAT MAKES YOU THE BOSS!
But I have to know, why CAN’T you put the magic teleporting sauce on enchilladas? Maybe a burrito?
Alas, I do not know the inner secrets that guide the Wizardly rites for magic erotic tacos.
These things must remain mysteries.