Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

It’s a Wednesday. Prepare yourself for Biancaneve e i sette nani.

This one is directed by an Italian, Luca Damiano, who also did something called Hamlet: For the Love of Ophelia which I’m now dying to see, because who doesn’t want suicidal teenagers and Oedipal complexes in their mid-90′s porn?

So, you know, it starts out the way the fairy tale usually does. You’ve got your evil queen, magic mirror, and badly translated subtitles:

The mirror gives Evil Queen the rundown.

Snow White:

Is the fairest in all the land.

No one gives bitchface like an evil queen.

So, the Queen decides that she needs an orgy to clear her head.

Yup. It’s gonna be like that. 

She comes up with the plan to cut out Snow White’s heart, yadda yadda.

And, while that is all going on, we are introduced to Prince Bones-a-lot, who needs to find his Vulva Fair, so as to inherit the kingdom. His father forces the issue:

The wimpy hunstman can’t kill Snow White, so he leaves her in the forest.

Then, well… you can guess how this goes, right?

Because, I promise, it’s so much worse than your guess.

Snow White, having recently discovered her ladycave, asks if she can stay:

The dwarves, who all comment on their raging hard-ons, tell her she can stay.

Meanwhile,the huntsman lies to the Queen with the fake heart, and she grants him access to her lesbians-in-waiting:

The dwarves, um… undertake the education of Snow White, in what really is one of the most odd porn sequences ever. Like, imagine all this happening to the tune of a jaunty piccolo and accordion piece.

In the big middle of the huntsman’s “reward,” the Queen finds out he’s a lying liar who lies:

It has an actual intermission.

For real.

This is cousin-fucker dwarf porn that takes itself quite seriously.

So.

The Queen poisons the apple:

 

And Prince Bones-a-lot ditches his cousin:

And the dwarf cottage has descended into full-bore cocaine-fueled Jackie Treehorn madness:

Prince Bones-a-lot finds another Vulva Fair:

The Dwarvian Bacchanalia continues:

And, continues:

And, continues…

Until eventually they have to go to work, and the Queen feeds Snow White the apple:

So, the dwarves are sad:

Yes.

Indeed.

May it.

But!

Prince Bones-a-lot arrives to save the day:

And, being Prince Bones-a-lot, he immediately commences to boning.

For an audience of dwarves. Encouraging dwarves.

This is the stuff of nightmares. Really.

And, of course… they live happily ever after.

They never really deal with the Queen.

I can only assume she went back to her castle for more bukkake beauty regimens.

There’s still Cousin Bones-a-lot back at the castle.

There are a lot of loose ends, here.

Which is probably why there’s a sequel made in 1999 called Snow White… Ten Years later.

I’m so not kidding.