It’s a Wednesday. Prepare yourself for Biancaneve e i sette nani.
This one is directed by an Italian, Luca Damiano, who also did something called Hamlet: For the Love of Ophelia which I’m now dying to see, because who doesn’t want suicidal teenagers and Oedipal complexes in their mid-90′s porn?
Once upon a time…
So, you know, it starts out the way the fairy tale usually does. You’ve got your evil queen, magic mirror, and badly translated subtitles:
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the loveliest cunt of all?
The mirror gives Evil Queen the rundown.
Snow White:
I JUST FIGURED OUT I HAVE A VAGINA! WOW! THIS IS TOTALLY CONVENIENT!
Is the fairest in all the land.
No one gives bitchface like an evil queen.
Mirror, please.
So, the Queen decides that she needs an orgy to clear her head.
The Stallions. Seriously. It’s crappy capture, but for real, “Bring the stallions in!” That’s how evil this Queen is.
Eventually, they all come on her face. That’s how she maintains her beauty.
Yup. It’s gonna be like that.
She comes up with the plan to cut out Snow White’s heart, yadda yadda.
And, while that is all going on, we are introduced to Prince Bones-a-lot, who needs to find his Vulva Fair, so as to inherit the kingdom. His father forces the issue:
Honestly, the cousin-fucking scene goes on forEVER.
The wimpy hunstman can’t kill Snow White, so he leaves her in the forest.
Then, well… you can guess how this goes, right?
Because, I promise, it’s so much worse than your guess.
Breaking and entering: you do the crime, you pay the time.
Snow White, having recently discovered her ladycave, asks if she can stay:
She spends most of the movie alternating between this expression and smiling like a moron.
The dwarves, who all comment on their raging hard-ons, tell her she can stay.
Oh, they’ll think of something, right?
Meanwhile,the huntsman lies to the Queen with the fake heart, and she grants him access to her lesbians-in-waiting:
Guess what his reward is! If you guessed *stallions!* you’re almost correct.
The dwarves, um… undertake the education of Snow White, in what really is one of the most odd porn sequences ever. Like, imagine all this happening to the tune of a jaunty piccolo and accordion piece.
Where in Italy did they find seven little people willing to do this shit?
APPLAUSE!
GUESS WHERE THAT ENDS UP!
APPLAUSE!
He’s a Gentlman Dwarf.
Clarinet. Piccolo. Whatever. After seven full dwarf lessons, your general will to pay close attention starts to wane.
APPLAUSE!
In the big middle of the huntsman’s “reward,” the Queen finds out he’s a lying liar who lies:
DO NOT FUCK WITH THE QUEEN.
It has an actual intermission.
For real.
This is cousin-fucker dwarf porn that takes itself quite seriously.
So.
The Queen poisons the apple:
And Prince Bones-a-lot ditches his cousin:
And the dwarf cottage has descended into full-bore cocaine-fueled Jackie Treehorn madness:
“…what the whole hep world would be doing on Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war…”
Prince Bones-a-lot finds another Vulva Fair:
He’s easily confused, poor dear.
The Dwarvian Bacchanalia continues:
And, continues:
And, continues…
Until eventually they have to go to work, and the Queen feeds Snow White the apple:
CHARMING, RIGHT?
So, the dwarves are sad:
Yes.
Indeed.
May it.
But!
Prince Bones-a-lot arrives to save the day:
And, being Prince Bones-a-lot, he immediately commences to boning.
For an audience of dwarves. Encouraging dwarves.
This is the stuff of nightmares. Really.
And, of course… they live happily ever after.
They never really deal with the Queen.
I can only assume she went back to her castle for more bukkake beauty regimens.
There’s still Cousin Bones-a-lot back at the castle.
There are a lot of loose ends, here.
Which is probably why there’s a sequel made in 1999 called Snow White… Ten Years later.
I’m so not kidding.
APPLAUSE!
5 Comments
Thoroughly well done. Perfect. I hope there was anal at some point.
You know, I don’t remember. It seems like an Evil Stallion Queen sort of thing to do, for sure.
Sadly, I suspect you made this movie sound way more entertaining than it actually was. Still, I desperately want to see it.
It’s easy to find, at least. It’s so odd, it’s got staying power.
I don’t know if it’s entertaining, so much as it’s just really weird. And, the queen is wonderful. The actress, Ludmilla Antonova, did very few porn titles, and she’s in that odd “too pretty for porn” category.
I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much. I NEED to see this film!
Thank you so much. Brilliant summarising.