This one may look familiar if you have ever seen the movie Parenthood.
It’s the porn that Dianne Wiest finds in her son’s room; Keanu has to give the kid “the talk.”
Because that’s what little dudes do.
So, yeah.
Today’s write up is a classic.
This was spendy for a porn flick in 1982.
We begin with Jungle Jane.
She’s sort of a sad rip off of Indiana Jones by way of Allan Quartermaine.
They appear to have actually filmed in Mexico or Belize or something.
She sneaks into the Throbbing Temple of Doom.
Again… spendy for 1981.
There she finds rejects from a hair band video.
IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!
She is duly astonished.
“Uhhhhh…”
The guy in the hat tells her that she is doomed, for they have (DUN DUN DUN) the Goddess.
She’ll get you to her sex planet.
They lock Jane in a cage and force her to watch tanned Loincloth Jimmy up there get it on with the brunette.
“That styrofoam platform can’t be sanitary,” Jungle Jane protests.
The Goddess recites bad poetry all the while, sitting in the lap of… a monument to cultural imperialism?
In the lap of Huitzilopochtli-Krsna, all spoken word poetry is less compelling.
FIVE MINUTES OF SHITTY POETRY ABOUT SEX, WHILE PERIODICALLY STARING DOWN HAIRY MAN BALLS.
After the poetic ejaculation scene, they tie up Jane for some sexing.
Leopard print was really fashionable in Aztemayincaville.
And, she protests that they cannot rape her, for she…
…is a virgin.
Her tactic backfires.
All is lost, and then!
Louisiana Smith.
Jane is happy!
Hooray!
Then she’s less happy.
Louisiana Smith has no fear of snakes.
Then, boom! We are suddenly in a non-traditional narrative.
This entire scene so far has been in the head of one Mr. Elmo Smathers, comic book artist.
This dude better have a tremendous schlong.
Apparently, Mr. Elmo has a dirty mind, and the comic book authority doesn’t approve of his work.
Marble Comics office.
He is told to come up with something cleaner.
Something about pilots.
Like Johnny Yank…
HA! HA! HA! I AM TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS!
He’s a World War One flying ace, as you can plainly see.
And, of course, he’s got a Red Baron:
Once again, it’s Ron Jeremy.
And, they’re dogfight. Or, whatever it was called in WWI.
That’s definitely France.
But, he’s hit!
Ron Jeremy will taunt you a second time!
Lovely young “French” women whisk Johnny Yank away to the Chateau du Boning.
Best green screen ever, right?
They, of course, immediately engage in le acts du love.
“We shall give you an educay-shione.”
But, the Red Baron arrives:
And he does a little dance.
So The Mademoiselles have to hide Johnny Yank.
No one will ever think to look in the weirdly dark green screen room!
And, then Ron Jeremy does the worst German accent you’ve ever heard in your entire life.
Like… think of the worst German accent you’ve ever heard, and then make it a little more nasal and New York than you’re imagining.
The Mademoiselles aren’t enormously discerning.
To his credit, he does say, “I would like to sleep,” before the nymphs descend.
The blonde girl gets bored and wanders off to the green screen room:
LE CHATEAU DU BONING IS ALWAYS SUNNY.
After some serious 70′s porn music, they discover they’re in the same chateau.
And the lamest fight ever happens.
Cock fighting sucker punch.
Then he moves on to the Countessa of du Chateau!
She keeps an ace up her sleeve. GET IT! FLYING ACE!
Then the harp music starts…
Back to the comic book guy.
For some reason the Chateau du Boning really turned the Comic Book Authority lady on.
“Nothing does it for me like *sexy gasp* green screens.”
Which reminds Elmo of another comic he wrote.
Porno Noir…
To be continued…
