So, today we’re going dark and spooky.
Terror at Orgy Castle, 1972
This was directed by Zoltan G. Spencer, who certainly should get some recognition for inventing the best nightmare circus pseudonym ever.
So, the story goes:
These two dweebs are on honeymoon. They bang, or as Bill repeatedly puts it, “make it,” all the way through a variety of tourist traps in Europe. When we find them, they’ve landed on the footsteps of a castle that just won’t ever be cool enough to be Transexual Transylvania.
It’s more like Exploitation Estonia.
Dammit, Janet
They meet NotElvira, who’s got cat eyes and a banging wardrobe.
I am 90% certain my grandmother had that same dress.
NotElvira informs them that her family has been in the house for hundreds of years, and her ancestors were burned in that very room!
For the record, these two are not quick on the uptake. Seriously, Shaggy and Scooby Doo are better detectives.
Heeeeey… why is there a coffin in the lobby? What’s with the constant harpsichord music?
DUN DUN DUN!
Then, it’s time to go to the room and “make it.”
Not your typical porn angle, right? I pretty sure I’ve seen worse on HBO.
Downstairs, NotElvira is busy busting out the topless witchcraft because… reasons!
Boobs: better than a panda gang bang.
She then expands the magic to other boobs.
Boobs: magical.
At this point, Bob is snooping around the castle. Like you do.
When he sees the Ultimate Breast Trick:
The boobs that turn you into a dude. TA DA!
Are you guys feeling the thrills, yet?
NotElvira-io, the Count of Exploitation Estonia, then proceeds to do hippie threesome action with the two Extra Sets of Breasts.
But a threesome isn’t really an orgy. And, this is terror at Orgy Castle.
NotElvira-io catches Bob spying on his threesome, and gives him the fiercest of raised eyebrows:
It’s not quite Blue Steel.
Bob is afraid, and he rushes back to his room, only to be greeted by the magical mirror sex witches!
Note that his bride just keeps on sleeping!
When they wake up, a party is already in progress.
They do have style at Orgy Castle.
Then it’s time to drink, and I quote, “strange brew,” and tear apart roasted chickens with their bare hands.
The 70′s were a time for experimenting, right?
It’s time for the entertainment!
You might think the dancer was entertaining, but no…
Oh, no, no…
This is Weird Porn Wednesday, not Mildly Amusing Glimpse Into 70′s Softcore Wednesday.
Welcome to WTFBBQ Castle.
They strap a chick to a conveniently located St. Andrew’s Cross.
..so far, so good…
Then…
BOOM!
TIME TO BUST OUT THE RAT.
RAT PORN TIME!
This is before there was a PETA, by the way.
Who knows what became of this rat?
They strap the rat pan to their victim, and then heat up the pan, so that the rat has to gnaw it’s way out.
DeSade would be proud.
Yup.
“Wait, I thought this was a porn?”
“Bitch, please, I am NotElvira, and I do what I want. YOLO.”
She just wants a SAG card, okay?
“This was NOT in the brochure!”
The rat scene goes on for, and I actually timed this, five fucking minutes.
By my calculations, that is enough time to wilt even the mightiest of boners.
And, then it’s all a joke!!
Never mind!
This porn is officially fucking with me.
The rat-gnawing supposedly incites the blood lust of the Estonian Bacchanalians, and they immediately begin an orgy involving a lot of grape smashing.
JELLIES AND JAMS.
Bob and Dammit Janet try to make an escape, because rat-gnawing and grape orgies are just not the “making it” they signed up for.
Denied.
NotElvira is up to her usual Boob Magic.
They are now slaves to the Boobs.
Amazing pyrotechnics! That’s how you know the boob magic was a success!
Actual quote: “Lisa was being prepared to be the Bride of the Devil.” So metal.
Lest you think the weirdness is over?
Let me introduce you to this fucking thing.
Kick ass. Maybe with a little more money and street cred, Zoltan G, Spencer could have been Alejandro Jodorowsky.
Time to get your Goat on.
Yup.
Bob is not pleased.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope…
New guy dons the Goat mask.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope…
Eventually, the Terror Orgy ends.
This is how you know it’s a Very Serious Film. Sad ending. Just like Hamlet.
A broken man, Bob takes DammitJanet into the light of a dawn.
And what does she tell him?
Once you go black goat, you never go back.
“”The outside world held nothing for us now. We will never escape from the webs of perversion into which we had been drawn.”
So, he heads back into the castle, to await the next victims.
Oh, cruel world!
Fin.
You can witness some of this glorious goofiness in action!
Oddly enough, it turns out that the director is Valentine Bonnaire’s uncle. Small world.
