The Blonde Next Door

This week, from Joan’s bizarre porn file, I bring you The Blonde Next Door starring none other than the hairy old Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy.

Now, I’m willing to admit: this is awful, awful porn, with an awful, awful premise, and I don’t care.  I LOVE this one. I do. It’s the perfect bad 80′s porno, and I share this with love.  Embrace the cheese, people.

So.

We begin with Cindy and John.  John is the world’s lousiest lover, so he listens to these instruction records that tell him, step-by-step, how to please the ladies.

This, predictably, does not work. I do desperately hope that some hipster has that record on vinyl though, and that he’s sampling it for dubstep right this very moment.

Apply gentle pressure to her clitoris. Apply gentle pressure to her clitoris. Apply gentle pressure to her clitoris. Apply gentle pressure to her clitoris.

Awesome.

So poor Cindy decides that this state of affairs will not stand, and she strikes out, leaving… a Dear John letter.

She immediately runs into Real Estate Agent / Swindler / Mustachioed Lothario, Barry Horne.

Yup. You read that. Barry Fucking Horne. Hell yeah.

She immediately submits to mad, misty, gas-guzzling boat-mobile sex with him in exchange for a ride.

You might think this is the worst thing that could happen to a lone girl, in 1982, who’s had gentle pressure applied to her lady parts.

But, this is just the beginning.

So, old Barry Horne goes back to his office where he deals with a weird farmer guy:

And his super hot, super awesome secretary, with the best porn wardrobe ever, decides that there’s just something new about Barry.  She’s dealt with his Mad Men-style sexual harassment before, but now he’s just… irresistible.

For some reason, Barry just smells good.

Barry and Charlene realize that he has amazing woman-attracting pheromones  stuck in his epic 80′s mustache. Barry thinks real hard (see photo above) and realizes that it must be the lady juices produced by the blonde hitchhiker.

He and Charlene then decide that this is an obvious capitalist opportunity.  They hunt Cindy down and employ a vague veneer of medicine to convince her to start, er, production.

The first batch is such a hit that there’s a weird incest threesome interlude at what I can only assume is Mork and Mindy’s neighbor’s apartment.

Presumably, that’s where Mork scored all his blow.

This, of course, means that Cindy is going to be having a lot of sex, which is fortunate, because this is a porn, after all.

Alas, poor Cindy. She hits her limit, eventually.

Eventually, poor Cindy is all tapped out. Even the World’s Greatest Lover cannot wrest even a single drop from her font of wonders.

So, in desperation, Barry and Charlene, and the Music Video Reject Squad cook up a scheme.  They’ll indulge what they imagine will be Cindy’s greatest fantasy…

…being abducted and ravished by homeless extras from the Hawaiian Vacation episodes of The Brady Bunch.

Thankfully, this portion of the movie is short and confusing.

Meanwhile, poor Jilted John and his equally nerdy BFF decide to blow off some steam…

Out of the pure goodness of their hearts, “blowing off steam” means they watch two women get it on.

I mean, really?  Do you want screen shots of those two dudes going at it?

Yeah.

Didn’t really think so.

So, they watch the two girls go at it, and I guess John picks up some important pointers.

Alas, Barry Horne, professional sleaze artist, ends up in debt to The Villain:

Barry explains that the poor girl, she just canna take much more, Cap’n.

But the bad guy isn’t having it.  He swears he can and will get some of the golden juice.  Barry can only watch as the Villain coaxes one final splash.

Afterwards, Cindy has just had enough.  She wants her money, dammit.  She is a tiny little blonde stereotype, and they will respect her authoritah!

Charlene and Barry, however, are not having it. They use their expert skills to secure the victim.

Eventually, by amazing contrivance, Cindy is saved by Dear John, who had heard there was amazing Lady Attraction Juice to be had, and stopped by to see if he could get any.

And, in the end, we’ve completed Campbell’s Monomyth, and Cindy, much like Luke Skywalker or Jesus, returns home with the prize and a new sense of self.  She and Dear John bottle her Amazing Va Jay Jay Juice on their own and live happily ever after.

The End.